Why Rihanna Went Back

There are questions swirling in the celebrity gossip world over why Rihanna may have reunited with Chris Brown. The man who allegedly beat her, bit her, choked her and left her on the side of the road is someone she now is rumored to be spending time with once again, to the dismay of many. Why would a woman who was beaten so badly by the man who is supposed to love her return for more of the same?

The judgments are already in. All over the net, the television networks, people are saying, "Well, if she's going to reunite with him, then her image is also tainted." This is the way it usually goes down. A woman is abused by her partner, and then she is blamed for continuing to be with him because those who have not walked in her shoes simply can not begin to fathom the multiple psychological factors involved in an abusive relationship.

I assure you that in a short blog post, I can not begin to do justice to this discussion. What I can tell you is that it is time for this nation to have a frank discussion about domestic violence. This happens more than most of us would like to admit. It is happening in teenage relationships, in adult relationships, in dating relationships, in co-habiting relationships and in marriages. It even happens in dissolved relationships where ex-partners have to see each other because of children they share.

If there is anything I can say today to stop the blaming of Rihanna, it is that a battered woman does not have the tools or perspective to leave the relationship. It takes a battered woman 7 attempts to leave, on average, before she is successful, if the man doesn't kill her in the meantime. There are elements involved in the syndrome of abuse that those who are not abused or trained in domestic violence do not understand. The perpetrator is a very skilled and manipulative person. He has control of the victim. It takes time to set the trap. When the victim tries to leave, he has ways of manipulating her back into the relationship, using all means necessary, including threats, emotional blackmail, you name it. Abusers are highly skilled at making their victims believe they caused the abuse.

To add to the unbearable burden on the victim, the court of public opinion fuels the fire by heaping blame and shame on the victim as well. Saying things like, "Well if she's going to return to him, then she deserves it," or, "If she's that stupid then she gets what she deserves, I don't feel sorry for her," are not helpful in this dialogue.

It is painfully difficult to watch a loved one or a friend entangled in an abusive relationship. It is easy to tire of hearing of it, to become less and less supportive as the person returns over and over for more abuse. The reason it is so difficult to take and so easy to tire is that we are not in it. We are not under the psychological control of the abuser. We can see his sickness, but the victim is sick with him. It takes very special friends and family to stick by the victim until she has had enough and is strong enough and ready to walk away for good. It takes even stronger friends and family to continue to say positive things and coach the victim away from the abuser by building her up, rather than tearing her down and blaming her.

Rihanna needs support. Fame, money and all the best in the world will do nothing for her if she doesn't see how sick her relationship is and she doesn't believe she deserves better than Chris Brown because Chris Brown is incapable of loving her.

Chris Brown needs help, and may be beyond it. None of his comments mean a thing, and if we give any of the things he has to say any credence, we are just as sick as a nation as Rihanna is as his girlfriend. Nothing he could have to say repairs what he's done to her and he has not done the work that would take years to rehabilitate himself into a being that is worthy of reconsideration. Oh, that Rihanna may be ready to take the trash out.

Rihanna is a symbol of the many women in our lives who are living the same shame behind the closed doors of their homes and cars when they leave our homes or our places of employment and go home in fear. They do not have the ability to treat themselves kindly because of the illness that has them entagled and enmeshed. The least we can do is be kind to them until they find the strength and ability to be kind to themselves.

Let us all remember and be grateful...but for the grace of God go I.